lackingdaze | still a h@ter: october log

watching

- rewatching i-land for the third time with my roommate. don't even inbox

⚠️ haterism ⚠️

- shakti asked me if my thoughts have changed watching the show again and tbh it kind of has/kind of hasn't? main things:
- this show is even more harrowing than i remembered it + the writing is so evil and genius. love that hybe really maximized it to be 1) as toxic as possible 2) flexible for their rigging purposes. like it's actually admirable how much direct strategy (vs. just evil editing) went into creating character arcs and conflict.....
- i like sunghoon less (but find him far more tolerable on i-land than now)
- honestly how tf did jake shim get into enhypen
- love sunoo but truly hit with the realization that he cannot sing to save his life!!! like that stage with daniel was so embarrassing omfg. it's ok being gay and oppressed is enough
- ofc heeseung is still the main character [in a subjective sense] in this show and i think i still view him favorably + like him a lot. literally don't ask me my opinions on this man in 2022 it's embarrassing
- I'M LITERALLY JUST JAY PARK FANS GUYS. why was he so crazy and unhinged and cringe i kind of l*ve him for that.
- also for some reason my roomie and i had a three hour convo on some random friday night about enhypen fraught leadership dynamics and then ended up taking some situational tests to analyze OURSELVES which is all just to reiterate the common consensus that jungwon really was chosen to be leader bc he was the only one who wouldn't self-implode in the role. anyways sorry for being that bitch that entertains jay park leaderisms as a thought exercise [v guvax ur jbhyq unir yvgrenyyl ybfg uvf zvaq ohg va n orggre jbeyq znlor raulcra jbhyq npghnyyl yvxr rnpu bgure. or a worse world actually]
- anyways all these stages are so bad and cringe and only two of them (heeseung and justbitch geonu) can actually sing. perfect entertainment to me even if it actually raises my blood pressure every night before bed
- but it's still pretty fun to compare notes with my roommate who watched the show as it was airing/voted/apparently was part of the reason why the fandom name is what it is?? idek girl. we have very diff opps on certain things and she's a k sympathizer (tho i got her to admit she likes him less on rewatch) but at the least we can both agree that HANBIN DESERVED BETTER!!! tfw ur from hanoi and ur oppressed.

- btw can you all pray for me to escape engenisms in 2023.

- 20th century girl: this was fine for the first half and then they had mf-ing ONG SEONGWOO show up. definitely one of those films that would have been better if they just stopped halfway (bc spoilers: gur frpbaq unys bs gur svyz vf fb fghcvq va vgf fnqarff yvxr jul qvq guvf zs qvr bhg bs abjurer.....naq vg whfg srryf yvxr vs gurl jnagrq gb znxr n phgr srry tbbq pbzvat bs ntr ebznapr gurl pbhyq unir whfg yrsg vg nf vg jnf ng gur genva fgngvba!!) and also if the two girlies were lesbians. like come on.....ur conducting a parasocial relationship with some stupid boy for your best friend who's in america having heart surgery bc that's how much u love her? yeah that's what i thought

- blue period: it obv doesn't live up to the manga but i'm mainly watching it bc the eps are 20 mins so i can justify putting it on while i'm consuming meals in front of the TV

- i don't even want to address the current bls i'm watching. icb cix's p*ppy play inspired a whole youtube miniseries

reading

- so sad i'm mostly reading "canon" asamst texts by straight/sexually repressed men like ok i get it bulosan suffered but so did i reading america is in the heart. sometimes autobiographies are Worse. okada's no-no boy was definitely better, but i think i'm just annoyed i have to spend time reading things that i could have just read a wikipedia summary for there are better texts out there by WOMEN. which is just to say i have too many feelings about class readings that's meant to be GE fodder and i need to get over myself

- i'm still trying to get through r.f. kuang's babel for ramy/robin optics but wow do you think r.f. kuang read the premise for the new celeste ng novel and went what the fuck. especially bc babel kind of flopped as a book despite all the hype leading up to it....

- read tillie walden's spinning during some really boring classes and it was perfect!!!!!! i don't have much articulate thoughts to say but her art is gorgeous as always and i think out of all her works that i've read, this one seems the most straightforward since it is a memoir
- fics: rereading the same fics on ao3 over and over again [if ur shakti u know]

listening

- anti ti ti ti fragile is actually so awful re: kazuha/sakura/eunchae rap but we are still STREAMING the album so miss yunjin can get her royalty bag and afford tswift tour tickets (even though i generally consider midnights a white noise album and the only song i remember from it is labyrinth). also you may have seen my slow progression of changing almost all of my socmed pfp to yunjin. i know i'm late but i think she's perfect even though i hate musical theater...... (also does anyone know what chaewon/yunjin optics are. bc i would like to know!!!!)

- oh but yeah the rest of the album is like, really bad. good parts is especially awful bc it's 1/4 of a song while also trying to be knock off sour grapes except it's not even the good 1/4 of a song the way sour grapes is. i find impurities tolerable and once again stream it to support miss multi-hyphenate singer-songwriter yunjin even tho she really needs to stop writing music in the salon chair.....like we can tell.

- still haven't listened to the new cravity let me do that. btw was so entertained by this clip of a luvity fanboy like truly high schoolers studying for the suneung who are hj fanboys are the backbone of luvity society!!! ok went and listened to new wave it's uh fine as cravity music goes i guess. it sounds like a hsm song for some reason. i have a headache today so i'll listen to the rest of the album next week or never.

- i don't like nxde as a song but um yay for feminism ?

- guys mallrat's butterfly blue is so fucking serious why did i discover this 5 months late. actually not late bc i think it's perfect for fall/winter!!! midnights wish this was her....i think i got hooked on the album because "wish on an eyelash" drew me in, but my faves are definitely "your love" and "surprise me" (w/ an insane azealia banks feature). close contenders are "rockstar," "to you," and "arm's length." the first half of the album definitely meshes with me more than the second half bc of how pop existential it is, but i'm still so mesmerized by the way the songs on the latter progress bc i usually find slower/acoustic-y songs boring but then she brings in the synths (?) and i'm like ohhh its complex. it's a really well organized album per my basic tastes and anyways i think i might be mallrat fan.

using

- i love trying out niche perfume samples and recently came across this brand called dedcool. 100% bought a sample tin for the packaging but i'm obsessed with layering "milk" which is just kind of neutral, soft, musky scent with "taunt" which is vanilla and sweet, but surprisingly not cloying! smiley face garden is also perfff i just love cedar.. don't like "madonna lily" nor "rocco mint" but "fragrance 01" is a good blend of sweet and woodsy! once i run out of milk and taunt i think i might repurchase but i'm also hoarding so many jo malone samples atm + i haven't been using the peony and suede cologne my friends got me since i started on dedcool 🥲 the former is def more of a spring/summer scent so maybe this will justify me buying more perfumes for christmas

- protab+ recover tablets.....they're so real

life

- school is rough and i hate it and i'm really sick and tired of writing papers and my thesis. like who knew......i'm getting way into my head about the way i'm being perceived by professors and it's putting unnecessary amounts of stress on me on top of the already awful workload. when will i be free from my people pleasing tendencies!!!! just counting down to end of quarter and graduation tbh.

- i've given up on socializing to the point where i'm refusing invitations from people to hangout. i think previously i would have been concerned by how little i am putting myself out there, but 1) my health condition makes a lot of college hang-out activities very difficult 2) i have so much work that i would just rather spend my weekends catching up on work 3) even if i did have time i would just rather stay at home with my roomie and watch questionable media [see i-land recap above.] thankfully i've pretty much moved past fomo at this point and i'm sort of happy in this era of being a homebody even if it might seem kind of sad? also grateful to my roomie for being a great friend and support system in this trying time.

- what else....[censoring b/c food/illness-related]: boivbhfyl v zvff orvat noyr gb rng qvirefr sbbqf yvxr n abezny crefba naq vg'f uneq op fbzrgvzrf v'yy unir zbzragf jurer v ernyvmr bgure crbcyr zl ntr ner qbvat rirel qeht haqre gur fha naq v jbhyq yvgrenyyl q jbeq vs v ngr n fyvpr bs gbzngb cvmmn ea!! ohg orpnhfr v'ir unq gb pbbx cerggl zhpu ba n qnvyl onfvf, vg'f znqr zr nccerpvngr gur cebprff bs pbbxvat zber naq or perngvir nobhg gur vaterqvragf v hfr. v fnvq n srj zbaguf ntb gung v jnagrq gb ragre zl pbbxvat ren naq hz v thrff v nz!! gsj he sha jrrxraq npgvivgl vf nggrzcgvat gb znqr hqba abbqyrf jvgu lbhe ebbzzngr (fcbvyre: jr sybccrq)...

- it's been a long time since i've done a log like this and i forget how fun they can be. if you read all the way through, why, but also i love you and i hope you're having a great day. wishing everyone a kind fall to winter transition! let's stay strong until the holidays.....